Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Life, Love and other Mysteries

Some reason my blog was deleted, so here I am again. I get my title from a Point of grace song. They are a christian group from the late 90's.
Life has been hard the last 4 months. Harder then I ever expected. I went into my marriage wondering "what the hell did I do?" Dont get me wrong, I love Sara to death, but I was unprepared for marriage and 4 kids. I told myself I could do it. After the first week or so, I became comfortable, and lazy. Sara took care of Jeremy most of her marriage. She was his rock and his everything. I couldnt ever be as strong as she was! She wanted a man to be a man and take care of her. She thought I would step up and be that man. I was used to being the woman in the relationship. My ex-wife wore the pants, the shirt and the shoes. She had the high paying job, she paied the bills, everything from the house to the car, to the cable bill was in her name. I spent 5 years in that, and so I was used to it. Sara needed a man, who would do all that and more. Unfortunitly at the time I wasnt that man. I have heard people say that I used Sara, which is wrong. I realize my actions showed that, but mentaly I didnt see it that way. Sara asked me to leave on a Monday. I wasnt angry or really hurt. I know she fasted and this was the right decesion. I felt at peace about it. I love Sara more then I could ever dream about loving. Im going to school right now, so I can have a good paying job. Sara and I talk everyday. We both have agreed not to divorce, but work things out. I want so bad to be that man she needs, wants, and craves. I don't know how long it will take, but I KNOW one day I will be that man!